Dons tin foil cap.
Go early to the polls this year. I know it's not the conservative thing to do.
Philosophically, we're traditionalists and we like to see our friends and neighbors and feel the rush of performing our civic duty.
Don't wait this year, my friends. Don't. Advance, in-person begins in Johnson County on Oct. 20. I suggest all conservatives make it a point to cast their ballots as early as possible.
And here's the part where I need my tin foil hat: I am all but certain every time a federal official opens his or her mouth they are lying to us. Every single time. They are out of control.
I couldn't be bothered to rock myself in the fetal position over the small lies. I think my favorite baby lie is the monthly release of unemployment numbers. Officials report that the unemployment rate is dropping like a rock. It's lower today than it was six years ago. The officials conveniently forget to mention that the way unemployment data is figured has changed dramatically since then. It's comparing apples to soccer balls. They also don't mention that while the unemployment numbers are lower, the percentage of Americans no longer in the workforce is dramatically higher. Those numbers can't be explained by Baby Boomers retiring. (Which, by the way, for the record numbers of Baby Boomers reaching retirement age, very few of them seem to be leaving the labor force if they can help it -- probably because they can't afford to -- but that's a story for another day.)
So, our federal officials are all Pinochios, only in suits instead of lederhosen. The biggest Pinochio of them all, I am convinced, is Thomas Freiden and everyone involved in public health.
His story isn't to be believed and not just because he's a federal official and we've clearly established that they are liars. But also because his stories about Ebola and about enterovirus 68 don't add up.
The enterovirus entered the country via a mass of illegals from central America. Good luck finding anyone who will be honest about it.
And then there's Ebola. Are we really to believe that the deadly epidemic is spread the same way as AIDS -- via contact of bodily fluids?
The official response to the two diseases is certainly different. I'm going to date myself a bit, but I clearly recall Bill Clinton's Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders advocating teaching children about masturbation in order to combat AIDS. Meanwhile, back when AIDS was said to be a deadly epidemic, junior high kids were encouraged to put condoms on produce in order to fight it.
Fast forward 20 years, and we're being told gently just to wash our hands -- nothing to worry about. This disease kills 60 percent of the people it infects within weeks. AIDS killed (kills?) over years.
Our officials just seem awfully glib about Ebola considering it's deadly nature and how little they know about it. Trained medical practitioners are falling ill. A woman in Spain recently contracted the virus though she wore personal protective gear each of the two times she was in contact with an infected person. They don't know how she caught it.
But seriously, Americans, just wash your hands. That should fix it up just fine.
I am sensitive to health officials not wanting to cause a panic. I get it, but there's no excuse for lying about what you know or don't know about a deadly virus capable of wiping out two-thirds of the planet.
I don't know. They just don't seem worried enough, and that makes me worried. I like my public officials heavy on exercising caution.
So, I'm doing some math, and avoiding large gatherings of people when and where I can.
A very important election is 29 days away. Ebola's incubation period is 21 days. There is a man in Dallas, who was diagnosed with the illness on Sept. 26, and authorities just flew an NBC cameraman with the virus to Omaha for treatment.
If the virus mutates, if large masses of people are exposed or ill, I firmly believe Homeland Security will temporarily set aside spying on Americans and instead quarantine the masses.
They may hope to strategically quarantine voters who are sympathetic to Republicans. Look, I know it sounds completely crazy, and I say these things half-laughing. But only half. A part of me is frightened, and the other half simply doesn't trust this administration. I truly believe they are diabolical and that they will do whatever they believe they can get away with.
Take that however you want. I'm not taking any chances. This is the most important election of my lifetime, and I don't plan to miss it.
I'll be voting early -- just in case.
If you'd like to spend the rest of your day terrified of a virus you can't stop, click on the links I provided. I don't blame you if you don't click on the links.
And now I will return you to non-tin-foil-hat-wearing Gidget.