Kansas GOP Insider (wannabe): If National Media Covered Prez Politics Like KS Media Covers the State

Monday, August 22, 2016

If National Media Covered Prez Politics Like KS Media Covers the State

If the national media covered national politics the way the Kansas media does, we'd be reading glowing stories at least once per month in the Washington Post about Vermin Supreme. (See the Topeka C-J story on Patrick Wiesner, the Democrat running against Sen. Jerry Moran.)

Vermin is the perennial candidate who wears a boot on his head and who promises, if elected, to give every American a pony. (Hard pass. Sounds like a lot of work.)

The stories would go something like this:

Looking out over the Potomac, Vermin Supreme ponders how much better America would be if every citizen could feel the wind in their hair atop a galloping pony. Supreme's eyes tear up as he recalls his own pony-riding filled days of youth. He pauses to take a sip of his sparkling water as his voice catches.

"People look taller on horses, and that makes people feel good," he says. 

His boot-shaped hat seems to give a jaunty wink. Vermin is a man with a daring sense of fashion and a keen wit. While giving all access to free ponies is high on his list of priorities, perhaps none of his campaign promises resonates more clearly with voters than his proposal to pass a law requiring people to brush their teeth. 

Vermin faces an uphill battle. No third party candidate has won a Presidential election since 1788. (George Washington was twice elected as an independent.) 
His opponents, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton declined to comment on Vermin's policy plans or his campaign efforts.

If he hopes to capture the White House, Vermin will need to convert large swaths of Republican and Democrat voters, which he plans to do by riding his trusty steed, Simpleton, from sea to shining sea. He'll ride to meet voters bringing an unorthodox message more commonly associated with people who have a shot at winning elected office. Vermin will tell voters he's for limited government--except for the oral health regulations-- and debt reduction, once everyone has a pony.

To pay help pay off the U.S. massive debt, Vermin plans to steal wallets when he can. He'll hand those over to the Internal Revenue Service when his pony reaches Washington. 

"That alone will probably pay down $350 billion," Vermin explains.

Vermin grew up in a Boston suburb, where he learned to talk really fast and drive really poorly. This, he says, allows Vermin to relate easily to others--especially Missourians, who are also awful drivers. 
It isn't just his common man appearance and driving that makes him so appealing to so many. He also has a charitable heart; Vermin donated one of his kidneys to his mother in 2006. 

Vermin knows he'll have to work hard to earn every votes, and he says he's prepared for the task.

"No one likes Trump or Hillary," Vermin says. "And people really identify with a guy who wears a rain boot on his head. When people know me, they'll definitely like me better than Hillary or the Donald."